PINCUP CLASSIC SEPT 23-24

The locals have been forewarned, the bars have hung closed signs, and KY has dropped off a pallet of their fine lubricant at the Greyhound station in downtown Athabasca. What does this all mean?

It must be time for the inaugural PINCUP Classic. On September 23-24 Jabronii will converge on the northern outpost for a weekend of golf, poker and bad behaviour. For those interested, please forward an email listing your intent to play to Airdrie resident Pinz including your name, phone number and average score over 18. We are trying to put like abilities together so if you don't want to play with BP, then aim low.

PINCUP CLASSIC RULES
(1) Sandbagging will not be tolerated unless it includes bagging someone in the sand trap.
(2) Anytime someone makes reference to something filthy as it relates to golf terminology double entendres such as "hit it in there stiff" or "I got caught in the long grass" or "lets play the back nine" you must chortle like a 4 year old for at least 15 seconds.
(3) There is no back seat to a golf cart, so gentlemen, please try and restrain yourselves.
(4) Balls hit into the tress will carry a maximum time limit of 3 minutes to look for it, unless you went in alone. Then, you have only 2 minutes to look for it.
(5) The most important rule of all, please always endeavour to play with your own balls.

HEALTH & WELLNESS

IS THIS HOW YOU LOOK EVERY XMAS HOLIDAY SEASON, TRAPPED IN THE FROZEN NORTH?

Well now is your chance to choose NOT to be a SOUR BP and instead elect to be happy, suntanned, wet, wild, and most of all WARM this holiday season! Medical studies have shown that liberal amounts of tequila mixed with equal parts sun and sand have an acute effect on the overall happiness of an individual. This happiness has been found to carry over into other aspects of a subject's life upon his or her return to the frozen north such as in the work environment, in personal relationships, and has even been known to lead to ambitious career planning. Some side effects may occur such as chronic masturbation, sunburns, intense dislike for snow and cold, and in rare cases liver failure.
That being said, a panel of medical experts has agreed that the benefits far outweigh the risks asociated with the aforesaid treatment and strongly recommends that all those with the means get the hell out of Canada and go to a Mexican beach for new years.
You dont need to take our word for it though - check out this testamonial from a canadian that left for mexico some 3 years ago (name withheld by request, seems there are some student loan issues):

Snow? thats that cold wet stuff isnt it? or is it frozen? i can never remember how that works. now where did i put my drink? must be over there with my beach towel. so yeah snow...its all white right? i got something else thats all white it you are interested...but its not cold! come closer and i will...

(interview terminated)

Make yourself well again. Choose the 3rd world. When the icecaps melt, you are gonna come here anyway. Beat the crowds.



- LBS Media Group

TRAVEL

After much deliberation, some members of the Jabronii will be spending their hard earned dollars in Drumheller Alberta. Nothing caps off the hottest July in Edmonton's recent memory like a trip to the desert!

Spots are filling up fast if you want to partake in an idyllic wonderland, and the Tyrannosaurus Rex's playground.
http://www.hhhideaway.ca/index.html

Activities include......
Royal Tyrell Museum of Paleontology
http://www.tyrrellmuseum.com/

Drumheller Golf
http://www.dinosaurtrailgolf.com/

Reptile World
http://www.reptileworld.net/

TRAVEL

With the August Long Weekend coming up fast Alberta area campsite operators are wondering when the influx of rowdy Jabronii is going to show up and demolish the tranquil setting they have so painstakingly tried to provide. In preperation for the inevitable onslaught they have begun hosing down the wood supplies and flexing out their RCMP dialing fingers.

All of them are filled with the dread that THEY could be the ones to undergo the horrible conversion from family oriented destination, to urine soaked hell hole.

ENTERTAINMENT

Calgary is about to recieve another Hollywood boom as the makers of Brokeback Mountain have decided to once again use the fair city as a staging ground, this time for the sequel, "Brokeback Mountain 2: Quite a bit gayer"

Before he went missing, Jabronii BP was in the running for the head role in the movie, which will be directed by Eastern European newcomer Scoti, as seen above in the edgy glasses.
"This movie will be less about the cinematography and the shame of forbidden love, and more about the man on man action" opined Scoti "This movie will be my "Clockwork Orange", but with more , well gay sex".

NATURE

Calgary area residents have been notified to be on the lookout for this escaped lunatic. As yet unnamed, officials have gathered relatively little info as to his identity or motives. All they have come up with is an affinity towards french Canadian culture as evidenced by his wearing of the defunct Montreal Expos chapeau, and his carrying off of Quebec native MA.

Locals have been advised to steer clear of any tracks featuring Gold Bond medicated powder, or Brewhouse Pilsener.

SPORTS SECTION

After noting the ineptitude of the quarterback position in the CFL this year, CF took matters into his own hands on Saturday night in Airdrie Alberta.

"I'm going pro", CF boasted after a 4 hour pitch and catch session until the wee hours of the morning. "But, if I don't make it to the CFL after this, I'm going to chalk it all up as a giant waste of time"

ODD NOISES

In Airdrie, various members of the Jabronii were plagued by an incessant and very audible squeaking noise. Many theories were presented as to the origin of the sound, but no one could put their thumb on it. Not for lack of trying nonetheless.

At press time, the noise was unsolved.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

The Calgary area has issued an "Amber Alert" due to the apparent disappearance of young BP. The Edmonton area lad was last seen heading off to the Rodeo with others when he mysteriously vanished, only to leave several cryptic cellular phone messages with bewildered Jabrones. In true Jabronii fashion, BP was quickly left for dead and everyone moved on with their lives. LB was last seen in the company of several eligible bachelors with what can only be described as a look of contentment with nary a worry about closure. BP was last seen wearing cowboy boots, a sky blue pearl buttoned shirt with a Sherrif Star and rakish red bandanna with a winter weight felt 5 gallon hat. No seriously, that is what he was wearing. Well, whatever, look for him anyway.

Also deemed missing this past weekend was CF's blood circulation to the area below his snakeskin belt, and BW's lunch which was last seen alongside HWY 2 on the way back to Edmonton.

FASHION SECTION

As Stampede grows ever closer, the Jabronii have been feverishly searching out festive Cowboy garb. BP has narrowed his choices down to a pair of skin tight Wranglers and pink cowboy boots. As of press time he wasn't sure how he could incorporate a speedo into the mix, but he is a creative lad and should never be counted out when it comes to shock and awe.
Sometime Jabronii CF has stated that he isn't down for cowboy wear, but our sources tell us he has long been looking for the right "look" and he thinks he has found it.

The sketch on the right typifies what CF looks for in an outfit. The white hat says "I'm gay, but you can introduce me to Mama Pinner, i'll give her what she needs" The double breasted tunic is nicely offset by the orange bicep bands, and the pants are obviously accommodating enough even for the C-Unit as shown by the precariously dangling six shooter. This outfit says " I can wrangle horses, or I can just lay around the steambath"


Here is another ensemble fresh from Meheeko. This summer the true urban cowboy is dressed for an excess of sucksess. Unlike most cowboy fashions these days, the boots are displayed to their full height, drawing attention to the elaborate needlepoint work on the leather uppers. Note the sleek machismo radiating from the cobra skin on the lower part of the boots. Breathtaking is the word. This bold outfit is designed to keep your cowboy cool with shortened trousers, genuine polyester sport blend with a proud racing stripe down the side so that cowpokes still know that you mean business despite the festive yellow color that implies playfulness. Tying the whole ensemble together we could only have used the definitive piece of our collection: the scorpion belt. We definitely think that this is the look of the season.

HOT BREAKING NEWS SOUTH OF THE BORDER!!

Announcing the union of Jarret Jordan Voytilla Hyppia, suspected student loan dodger, and Marcia Renee Vilchis Peralta, confirmed mariachi chanteuse, in Nogales, Sonora, MX on Saturday July 8, 2006. Photos currently under development. Drunken shenanigans to follow at an as yet unnamed sunny beach over New Years. Gringos from Canada are suspected to attend but as yet this rumor is unconfirmed. We will update this report as soon as new information becomes available.

TRAVEL SECTION

Several members of the Jabronii will be making the pilgrimmage to Calgary to partake in "The Greatest Outdoor Show on Earth" the Calgary Stampede. After years of practicing their tight step dancing, the Jabronii will hopefully finally overtake the grand champions The Queer Steers as photographed above.

TP was heard to mention "it's not like we have much of a shot really, those boys just LIVE the music"

Lifestyle Section

Young Jabronii member BP proved on the weekend that he has been completely emasculated as evidenced in the sporty cartoon drawing of him above. Missing out on the finale of the FIFA World Cup 2006 in order to attend that lamest of all wedding traditions "the gift opening".
After a plea for leniency from his lady love LB was forcibly and audibly denied, BP was forced to tuck his tail between his legs (where his nuts should have been) and enjoy tea and dainties with the bride and her family. Hopefully he got her a gift this time, and didn't just wrap up some old newspapers in a box.

Tragic News

As reported earlier, members of the Jabronii had a golf date on Saturday July 8 at Goose Hummock Golf Resort. What they didn't know was that they also had a date with tragedy, and a one night stand with anguish. Jabronii JB started off his round after arriving at the course just in time for tee-off with the comment "warming up is for faggots". Then, karma reared her ugly head. Moments after snapping his drive into the nearest grove of trees, JB walked to his cart in disgust, only to fall victim to a slippery staircase.

Onlookers had to look away in disgust as JB literally kicked himself in the ass as he cascaded down the morning dew slick staircase on his way to pain town. It was a short trip, but it is a big town. After a moment of recovery the only sign of trauma was blood cascading down the shin of the unlucky golfer. The real horror was what lay beneath. Over the course of the next several hours, coupled with an overly long route home through Edmonton's decrepit Northside, the knee locked up and JB found it increasingly difficult to keep from crying like a schoolgirl. Many treatments of ice later, and the swelling has gone down, but the rice krispie-esque sounds coming from the left knee area are about as welcome as BP at a potluck supper.

Not all was tragedy though, as BP did his best to cheer up the ailing Jabrone by trampling over golfs hallowed rules and thought processes.

An artists rendition of the collapse is featured above.

News Flash: Important Medical Research Completed

Important medical research has just been completed which will greatly the affect the life of one Jabroni. Please see link http://news.yahoo.com/s/hsn/20060707/hl_hsn/sexinlatepregnancywontbringonlabor

When reached for comment GM was heard to have said "boo ya!"

Jabronii on the golf course.....

The Jabroni Times has learned that 3 members of the fabled Jabronii will be taking in a round of golf at the Goose Hummock course on Saturday morning.

JS was overheard saying, "Fuck me, THAT course after TP lost all my balls at The Ranch?!? Fuck!"

Get more info at www.golfthegoose.com

The inaugural post

The only blog where you can get all the Jabroni news, as it happens.